As a parent, it is impossible to know what your kids hear, as our children create their own realities.  Some studies suggest that what we teach our children from 0 – 13 embodies in them the moral and spiritual core that defines them as individuals and presides over their choices for their entire lives.  Don’t ever be afraid to be a father to your children.  Share with them the real you, not the one you think they want you to be, and a father is a father, not a friend. 

I was reading Dana Glazer’s (Director of The Evolution of Dad) post For Charlie, on His 4th Birthday the other day. I really liked it, and it unearthed a memory of mine: that of writing a similar letter to my son shortly before he left home for college.

I thought fondly of the time I spent writing that letter, and how special it was for me to share this with my son upon his embarking upon a thrilling, new chapter of his life.

Dana’s post prompted me to try to locate that letter I had written 15 months ago. The contents of the letter were very personal, so I won’t publish it in its entirety here. I will share, however, two poems that I included in that letter.

The first is a poem named ‘Desiderata‘ by Max Ehrmann:

“Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly, and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they, too, have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.”

The second poem is titled ‘Risk‘ (author unknown):

“To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk being called sentimental.
To reach out to another is to risk involvement.
To expose feelings is to risk showing your true self.
To place your ideas and dreams before the crowd is to risk being called naïve.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To hope is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure.
But risks must be taken,
Because the greatest risk in life is to risk nothing.
The people who risk nothing do nothing,
Have nothing, are nothing, and become nothing.
They may avoid suffering and sorrow,
But they simply cannot learn to feel,
And change, and grow, and love, and live.
Chained by their servitude, they are slaves;
They have forfeited their freedom.
Only the people who risk are truly free.”

Now, as a parent, I’ve learned something over the years. What I’ve found is that it’s impossible to know what your kids hear – that is, hear, read, process, and learn. Despite our best efforts, our children create their own realities – just as you and I do.

We’d like to think that our children are small versions of ourselves, consciously or not, and that we’ll have a lasting influence and presence in their lives. I’ve read the studies, however, that suggest what we teach our children from ages 0 to 13 embodies in them the moral and spiritual core that defines them as individuals and presides over their choices for their entire lives.

Now, I’m not a doctor, scientist, or researcher, but I truly believe in my heart that we lead through example. That is, if we practice our moral, spiritual, and ethical principles in all our affairs, our children will continue to learn from us – good and bad – for years to come.

This has become very evident to me recently as I pondered whether or not my son was even a fraction as affected by my letter as I was.

To find the answer to my question, I need not look any further than to visit his Facebook page. My son had posted the following to his ‘status’ (the place where you can show updates to friends about what you’re up to on a real-time basis):

“Don’t compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for there will always be greater and lesser persons than yourself.”

Sound familiar? It came from the second paragraph of Desiderata.

I then scrolled further down my son’s Facebook page to his ‘Favorite Quotes’ section and happened upon this:

“To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To hope is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure.
But risks must be taken.
Because the greatest risk in life is to risk nothing.
The people who risk nothing do nothing,
Have nothing, are nothing, and become nothing.”

This came from the poem “Risk” that I included in the letter.

I was floored! I had made a connection with that letter. All I needed to do was to communicate with my son on his terms to realize this.

So what have I learned form all of this?

Well, it’s been a long and winding road. There were times in our lives that my son and I didn’t see eye-to-eye. I was often perceived as one of those parents who was “way too strict”, particularly when compared to what other parents were permitting their kids to do. Although I often worried that I was overly-indulgent with him, he didn’t see things that way.

My son has stretched his wings since he left for school, often affirming his new-found freedom by not calling home often and doing many things that others before him, including myself, engaged in after leaving the nest.

But the tide has turned (Or maybe I’m simply realizing that our shared values have been there all along). My son, after experiencing a very diverse group of people, values, and beliefs, has expressed not only an understanding of my points of view, but also shown that he respects and cherishes many of the same values and beliefs that I do – and he’ll be 20 years old in a month and a half.

So … here’s the lesson that I take away from all of this: Don’t ever be afraid to be a father to your children. Share with them the real, authentic you, not the one that they think they want to know or the one that others expect you to be.

As fathers, we possess the wisdom to share with our children. No, we can’t prevent them from learning the lessons they were meant to discover, but we can share with them the reality of the world they’ve yet to experience. We do know what’s good, and bad, for our children. None of us particularly likes to say ‘no’, but sometimes we must in the interest of protecting our children’s’ well being.

We are fathers, after all, not friends.

And with a lot of patience, tolerance, kindness, and love, we can rest assured in the knowledge that our children will eventually see their father’s wisdom.

P.S. As I was writing this post, my independent son called me to ask if I’d like to join him this weekend. He wants me to be with him for his football team’s pre-game meal, the team strategy meetings, and their pre-game march to the football stadium.

How does life get any better than that?

Thanks to Hopeful Spirit at On the Horizon for publishing this post in the Carnival of Family Life, to On The Horizon for featuring this post, and to Nourished Magazine for including this article in the Carnival of Nourishment.